The Refining Power of Motherhood

From the moment a woman finds out she is going to be a mother the only constant in her life is change. Change becomes her constant companion as her body changes by the day and sometimes even the hour. Her daily routines, familiar emotions, relationships, and everything that was once hers is sacrificed for the cause of creating a new little life and calling it her own. It is a beautiful and powerful experience to aid in the creation of a human life!

By its nature, change is a catalyst for growth. However how it grows us is up to us. Perspective and attitude act as our guiding stars in this. As with all things, if we are filled with doubt and fear that will grow within us when we encounter crossroads in life. Vice versa, when we look forward with hope that we can continue forward and that tomorrow will be better than today, that hope will also grow and blossom within us.

A woman entering the arena of motherhood carries so much expectation on her shoulders. She wonders whether she can live up to the ideals of her own mother or perhaps carries the pressure of whether she can be the mother she always wanted to have. She carries the expectation of how her husband thinks she ought to be as a mother. She carries an expectation of what she will do as a mother in her community and society. She holds the expectation of how many children she is 'supposed' to have in her heart- and what that says about her. She holds up these hefty unrealistic and idealistic expectations of what she should be as a mother and worries she may not live up to all these expectations. She worries she may not be enough. It's a lot of pressure! These thoughts usually come all within the first few weeks of being pregnant!

Motherhood is a constant battle with these expectations! Why? Change brings us into the realm of vulnerability where we don't feel comfortable anymore. This constant flux means that there never seems to be a moment to recenter and reacquaint yourself with who you are and who you want to be. Fortunately there are fleeting, small moments along our way that give us little glimpses of this and keep us more or less on track if we hold to them. For me it was often those moments of exhaustion while rocking a fussy baby at 2 am that brought me to my knees. These moments caused me to reflect on my perspective and attitude and make the changes I needed to do a little better the next day.

As a mother you live in the world of exhaustion. You can ask any mother and they will tell you there have been moments they don't quite remember because they were just so tired. Until a child is around 3.5 you are the sole provider for everything they need- food, sleep, diapers, ouchies, play time, baths, play dates. It was especially after our third child was born that I realized I felt like I was drowning all the time. There were so many people's needs to care for, no time for my own, and not a spare second to rest. Perspective and attitude were what saved me. My motto amidst it all was "tomorrow will be better than today". I continued to hope that tomorrow my kids could do a little more on their own than they did today- which would take a little off of my plate and that tomorrow I would yell a little less than I had today. As long as I vowed to make tomorrow a better day than today I continued on an upward slope. Sure there were dips back down and not every day was better than the day before, but I determined to choose to be refined into something better instead of being buried by the overwhelming tasks and thoughts that I would never measure up that threatened me on a daily basis.

Support networks can be a huge help in this area! One of the greatest tools of Satan is to make us feel like we are alone. Once we feel we are alone he can feed us the lies that we will never be enough, that what we are doing doesn't really matter, that we will be crushed under the burdens we carry. Connection with others reminds us that these are all lies and we are not alone, but instead are amidst so many others that are treading water in the struggle of raising their own children. These connections provide strength and motivation to move forward and even excel in motherhood.

All this said, refinement through change is always a choice. I know that by choosing to be a deliberate and intentional mother I have been refined. I have gone through the difficulties of fully dependent, tiny kids and wouldn't trade it for the world because it has shaped me into who I am today. Motherhood is the hardest thing I've ever done, but also reaps the greatest rewards. Amidst the craziness of it all it seems like it will last forever, but it will be a small moment. Choose in those moments to be refined- to try to make each day a little better than it was yesterday and you will find peace with change and more importantly you will find peace with yourself.

Life as a Recovering Perfectionist

As I briefly mentioned in a previous post I now consider myself a recovering perfectionist. For many years I have been proud to be a perfectionist and held it up as a standard of the right way to be. I have come to see it's ugly head in my life and now understand what it really is. Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It's a shield. Perfectionism is about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Healthy striving is self-focused--How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused--What will they think? I came to realize these wonderful truths as I read a book by Brene Brown called The Gifts of Imperfection. It was life changing! 

For all my life I have told myself  "I don't care what others think" and yet I set such high expectations of myself that I couldn't help but feel I'd always fall short and never be enough. Why? It is because I felt like I wouldn't meet others expectations of who I "Should be" and especially how I "should be as a mother." "Should" thoughts are a good sign that there is shaming happening in your own mind- that you're beating yourself up for all that you didn't do or areas where you fell short. Perfectionism and lack of self-love often go hand in hand. 

So what's the opposite of perfectionism? Authenticity. "Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are. Choosing Authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing we are all made of strength and struggle; and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe we are enough. " -Brene Brown

I remember reading these words and thinking, "vulnerability- well, there will be my roadblock." Vulnerability for a perfectionist is sooo hard! A perfectionist loves control! A perfectionist loves the emotional protection of achievement for a task. Vulnerability requires you to open up a little hole in your soul and you don't really know where it's going to go from there. There is no sense of control and no feeling of achievement. There was something very important though. Vulnerability opened up a world of human connection that although painful to reveal, was the only path to healing.

During this time I came across a type of art called Kintsugi and my perspective changed. In Kintsugi, a beautiful piece of pottery is broken and then it is attached back together using gold. For many months I felt like shattered pieces on the floor, but slowly I began to see the gold being placed as I was rebuilding a better me.

It has been two years since I began the journey as a perfectionist. Change takes time. As I look back on these years it has been so worth it! Some unexpected things came out of learning to live an authentic voice.

• I Found my Voice- I had confidence in my own ideas and I wanted to voice them

• I Took Time for Me- I began to love time alone with myself and cherish those moment to reconnect and encourage myself

• I Loved Myself- I acknowledged the great things about myself and thanked God for those things

• I Found my Smile- I had lived so many years with a forced smile and I didn't have to any longer. I was truly happy

• I knew I was Enough- I took down all the measures and expectations I had put up and realized the true feeling of being enough

As with all addictions and behaviors there are still triggers. I still can't leave a Lego creation alone until it's exactly as it should be. This is our lot in life. It's those small moments of temptation to fall into our old ways that remind us of who and what we once were and the incredible journey we've been on to get to where we are today. Our job is to have compassion on those thoughts and continue moving forward in our journey- continuing to line those broken areas of our lives with gold and becoming a little better than before.  

It's All About Love

To this day I can say that I am still very much a person who loves checklists. However, I am proud to say that I no longer live and breath by their contents. For so many years my worth and success was directly linked to the number of boxes that had been checked off on my list for that day. If I wasn't always busy I wasn't successful. My motto became higher, faster, stronger as I pushed myself to add one more thing to each day and then relishing in the praise of others when they saw just how much I accomplished. I felt that if every moment of my day wasn't spent cleaning, serving, or organizing some part of my life than I wasn't living up to what I needed to do. I didn't feel like I was enough. In this way priorities were different and the tasks to be done were more important than the people around me. 

As a very high-strung type A individual I fed off lists- not caring or thinking about how what I was doing might effect those around me. I was living in the heart of perfectionism. I sought to exceed the expectations of all around me and that felt like success. I was constantly striving for the impossible reality of achieving perfection in all things. This system worked for me for a long time. I had confidence in myself because of the progress I'd made and all that I'd accomplished. I graduated High School with honors, a 4.0, and a full ride scholarship. However, after I married and graduated from college, the world of academia that I had found perfection in melted away. It left me wanting. I didn't know what success looked like anymore. I found a quote by Ralph Walter Emerson defining what success is that I loved: 

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of the intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the beauty in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that one life has breathed easier because you lived here. This is to have succeeded.”

And this became my new creed- in checklist format. 1. Laugh more, 2. Become Respectable, 3. Learn to Take Criticism, 4. Notice Beauty, 5. Make a difference in the world

Life continued pressing forward and as the years went by, children arrived. Each additional child stretched my capacity, but I was still determined to be supermom despite my growing exhaustion. Then our third child was born and the earth shook beneath me. My body was wracked with allergies, hormone imbalance, and thyroid issues that no doctor could seem to solve. My energy levels plummeted as I struggled to care for my 4 year old, 2 year old, and a newborn with what felt like a broken body and a breaking spirit. 

It was at this time that my hopes of continuing on with my perfectionist life style really hit the fan. Fear and insecurity plagued my mind. My years of seeking for the approval of others and ensuring I met the mark meant that self-reflection had been minimal, self-confidence was struggling, and self-love was non-existent. I was in a dark place feeling like I could never be enough as a person, but especially as a mother and wife. After deciding there was no where to go but up, I decided to get a therapist, implemented some life-style changes, and read inspirational books whenever I had a spare moment. 

Therapy was painful. Seeing yourself as you really are is hard. My self-esteem was ever so low. At that time, I couldn't look myself in the eye and give myself a compliment because I knew I would never be good enough. There was a lot I learned about myself. I realized by always putting others needs above and before my own, I never recharged or reconnected with myself. I learned I had codependent behaviors that were crippling my ability to make decisions. I learned I held back my feelings for others because I feared losing them and being hurt. I realized I wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. I learned I was a control maniac and most fears and codependence stemmed from that urge. I felt like a disappointment. I felt worthless and broken- spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally. 

Through the years I've learned that I'm not alone in these types of feelings. These are many of the unspoken struggles of our lives. So, what changed things for me?  

Somewhere along this journey I realized the common thread was love and love can dispel darkness and fear. Life is about learning how to love. It's about learning to love your neighbor, to love a companion without reservation, and especially to learn to love yourself. Life is not about the checklists. It's about the feelings and emotions of the human experience. It's about who we are and who we can become. It's about realizing our vulnerabilities and weaknesses and turning them into strengths. The following nuggets of truth from Codependent No More by Melody Beattie made all the difference for me:

Recognizing the problem

• It is not until we face the hard truths of who we are that we feel the desires to be something different and have the drive to do so. 

Stop Reacting

• Give yourself and others room to move, to talk, to be who they are. Give life a chance to happen. Give yourself and opportunity to enjoy it.

Become Undependant (This was huge):

• Stop looking for happiness in other people. Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it’s inside us.
• Stop seeking so much approval and validation from others. We don’t need the approval of everyone and anyone. We only need our approval. We have all the same sources for happiness and making choices inside us that others do. Find and develop our own internal supply of peace, well-being, and self-esteem
• Stop abandoning ourselves, our needs, our wants, our feelings, our lives, and everything that comprises us. Make a commitment to always be there for ourselves. We can trust ourselves. We can handle and cope with the events, problems, and feelings life throws our way. We can trust our feelings and our judgments. We can solve our problems. We can learn to live with our unsolved problems. We must trust the people we are learning to depend upon- ourselves
• We can depend on God, too. He’s there and he cares. Our spiritual beliefs can provide us with a strong senses of emotional security.
• Exercise courageous vulnerability and choose to not depend on others for your happiness anymore. 
• Real power comes from feeling our feelings, not from ignoring them. Real strength comes, not from pretending to be strong all the time, but from acknowledging our weaknesses and vulnerabilities when we feel this way. 
• Stop sacrificing your needs to satisfy your partner. Have a willingness to risk and be real

Love Yourself

• Shame and guilt serve no long-term purpose. They are only useful to momentarily indicate when we may have violated our own moral codes. Guilt and shame are not useful as a way of life. Stop the “Shoulds”
• We can laugh at ourselves, tell ourselves we won’t be tricked, give ourselves a hug, then go about the business of living as we choose. If we have real guilt, deal with it. God will forgive us. He knows we did our best, even if it was our worst. We don’t have to punish ourselves by feeling guilty to prove to God or anyone else how much we care. We need to forgive ourselves.
• We can can be gentle, loving, listening, attentive, and kind to ourselves, our feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, desires, and everything we’re made of. We can accept ourselves- all of us. Start where we’re at, and we will become more. Develop our gifts and talents. Trust ourselves. Assert ourselves. We can be trusted. Respect ourselves. Be true to ourselves. Honor ourselves, for that is where our magic lies. That is the key to the world.
• To honor the self is to preserve an attitude of self acceptance- the real us; it is to live authentically, to speak and act from our innermost convictions and feelings; to refuse to accept unearned guilt; to be committed to our right to exist (not living up to other’s expectations); to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy; to practice selfishness in the highest, noblest, and least understood sense of that word. It requires enormous independence, courage, and integrity. Only then can we truly love and give of ourselves

Thinking for Yourself

• Decisiveness is hindered by worrying about what other people think, telling ourselves we have to be perfect, and telling ourselves to hurry. We falsely believe we can’t make the “wrong” choice, we’ll never have another chance, and the whole world waits and rises on this particular decision. We don’t have to do these things to ourselves. We can figure out what our problems and and what we need to do to solve them. We can make little decisions and big decisions
• Decisions don’t have to be made perfectly. We don't’ have to be perfect. We don’t even have to be nearly perfect. We can just be who we are. We can make mistakes in our choices. We’re not so fragile we can’t handle making a mistake. It’s no big deal! It’s part of living. We can learn from our mistakes.

These "aha" moments for me were a beginning point. It was the point at which I realized who and what I was and planted the desire for change. It is these types of moments that something is stirred in our hearts- like someone whispers "There's a better way" that we must take courage and move onward and upward.

The Refiner's Fire

It is our destiny in life to learn from our own experiences. This learning happens in many ways, but most often it is through the trials of life that we gain the experience we need to find success in life. For we must partake of the bitter to understand the sweet. It is the hardships that we face that prepare, purge, purify, and bless us forever after.  Our great creator in His infinite wisdom could have given us perfect bodies and easy lives, but that is not the purpose. Instead we are given opportunities to learn through our imperfections.

My favorite imagery of life is that of the refiner's fire. It is in the great refinery of life that God removes us of our imperfections as we pass through the heat of tough trials just as the dross is removed when silver is refined. This refining makes us better, more pure people; consistently building us bit by bit until one day there are few imperfections left. Why must we pass through this furnace of affliction? It is the price to become acquainted with God. It is the key to becoming more than we could be on our own. It is the hard times in life that form and build our character and shape our futures.

So, how do we successfully pass through the refiner's fire? I believe it is as we choose to accept our trials as opportunities for learning and growth- choosing to say, "What can a learn from this?" instead of "Why is this happening to me?". I have found that when I choose to be the victim in my circumstances the world seems to collapse in on me and all seems hopeless. On the contrary, when I've chosen to look at a trial with a little perspective and ask what I am to learn from it, I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually present in the situation and better able to handle the trial.

In my life it seems I've been given an extra heavy load of challenges to bear. There have been many moments that I've looked at others and wondered why some seem to get much heavier loads than others. After much pondering and prayer I feel that the trials that each of us are given are not like random cards that are shuffled and dealt to us. They are instead hand picked for us because a loving God knows what we need to learn certain lessons and what will stretch us but not break us. As hard as our own trials are, I think that if we looked at someone else's plate we assuredly would not trade.

For me the greatest trials in life have come through family relationships, health issues, and motherhood. I hope some of my thoughts in the stories I share in the future concerning these topics may be a hope for others who tread these deep waters.

A quote that has given me the perspective to keep moving forward is as follows: "Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience."

The Power of Connection

One of the greatest gifts we are given in this life is the power of human connection. It is what refuels, re-centers, and reinforces us. It is only by connecting our stories that we achieve a greater strength as individuals. The greatest heartaches of life happen when those connections are severed -whether emotionally, spiritually, or physically. It is the isolation of the human mind that allows the most dangerous and destructive thoughts to grow.

In my life there have been times of light and times of darkness. It is interesting that in those times of darkness our struggling mind doesn't reach out for connection but instead keeps reinforcing the darkness we are in. Why is this? Just as if you were in a dark room you might squint and turn away in discomfort if a bright light were turned on, there is discomfort in making connections with others after living in the dark. This step can be very hard and sometimes debilitatingly frightening. However, it is that human connection that can bring us back into the light- remind us that we are doing ok, that we have an important role to play in the journey of life, and what our priorities should truly be.

I have found over the years that it is when I choose to be a bit vulnerable and share some of my story that connection truly happens and bonds of friendship are created. With that knowledge I choose to share some of my story and observations in hopes that it may bring light to someone else's dark room -for hope gives us the courage to move onward and upward.